Disowning Oneself

While i watch other people grapple with their problems - careers, relationships, their own unruly heads and what not, i have my own.

I have disowned myself, so i don't face any of those problems as of now.
But disowning myself, that is one crazy problem to have.

Well, i don't think disowning oneself is bad. But incomplete disownership can be very dangerous.

I have rejected my identity with my desires, my dreams, my beliefs and my personality, albeit some of it has persisted.

A faint identity with logic and goodness stays, but for the most part i am as good as a walking corpse, a thinking, somewhat helpful zombie.

I can generalize every damn thing around me as empirical reality and send it packing like a dream, but really thats not true to me anymore. Emptiness is not very acceptable anymore. The thirst for life has arisen again.

The desires are drawing fuel from my environment. I wish to have it all and i know i can have it all.

I have a tremendous dissatisfaction now, from not having done justice to my talents, to the resources available to me, to the faith reposed in me, and from not having been found worthy of anyone [ read any lady's ] affection.

This seems crazy to me at an intellectual level, but this dissatisfaction is not peripheral anymore. I can't walk past it as not me anymore.

So what options do i have:

1.) Do i heap things around the ego, which is the natural course for everyone. Then i get enmeshed in the desires, judgements, joys [ yes..], people [he and she and they] and all that life. Most easy garb to wear will be the career garb - I am out to make a name for myself, then the whole life of struggle follows.

2.) Do i renounce all remanents of my personality, everything and maybe start working as a spiritualist, work with the R K Mission and work to just support my family. This is a possibilty.

3.) I could maybe try and balance the two. Which even though will look hypocritical as trying to have the best of both worlds, probably isn't.

How do i decide:

Things i must keep in mind

1) If i do live an active life in the world as a contributor and a consumer, i will have to gaurd against the dangerous effects of being conditioned by society. I will have to not only sharpen my judgement, but be strong enough not to be led off-principle by social involvement.

2) Even as i write, i can feel the strength of the desires being fuelled. I honestly think that it will take too great an effort to completely dam up these deisres, an effort that is beyond me.

3) A life in the world will entail a work first - contemplate later attitude for the most part. That will be a major shift for me.

will continue.......... [And this exercise is taking its toll. Its not fun. But i enjoy lookin at the neat stuff i produce]