fursat

I used to hear dad sing "dil dhoondta hai, phir wahi, fursat ke raat din" and i used to wonder what the sentiment was. It was, of course when i was unbounded by time and purpose myself.
Checking up the complete lyrics of the song though, i realize that it doesn't really fit the way i feel but atleast this line does.

Today, even as the practical constraints haven't increased so as to push me into more hectic activity, i find myself to be more impatient, scheming and panging for results. I am a changed man now, treating time and purpose as given reals, with much greater attachment to desires and ambitions.

I cannot deny that the heart does yearn for a taste of that sublime surrender though. There is an ecstasy in surrender. In a surrender not brought about by hardship but a quality of deep, unconditional fulfilling satiation.

Then there is the desire for spontaneous action. I have changed so greatly that i can't do a single thing without a purpose guiding it now. This is in such stark contrast to a time where i did things just for joy and only till they were fun. Any which way, almost nothing is fun now and i have no idea what to do about this. The music of life has dried, and what is left is an arid mind with its machinations for survival and success.

I guess i need to find a middle way. To be spontaneous and planned, to be ambitious and to relax.