I used to hear dad sing "dil dhoondta hai, phir wahi, fursat ke raat din" and i used to wonder what the sentiment was. It was, of course when i was unbounded by time and purpose myself.
Checking up the complete lyrics of the song though, i realize that it doesn't really fit the way i feel but atleast this line does.

Today, even as the practical constraints haven't increased so as to push me into more hectic activity, i find myself to be more impatient, scheming and panging for results. I am a changed man now, treating time and purpose as given reals, with much greater attachment to desires and ambitions.

I cannot deny that the heart does yearn for a taste of that sublime surrender though. There is an ecstasy in surrender. In a surrender not brought about by hardship but a quality of deep, unconditional fulfilling satiation.

Then there is the desire for spontaneous action. I have changed so greatly that i can't do a single thing without a purpose guiding it now. This is in such stark contrast to a time where i did things just for joy and only till they were fun. Any which way, almost nothing is fun now and i have no idea what to do about this. The music of life has dried, and what is left is an arid mind with its machinations for survival and success.

I guess i need to find a middle way. To be spontaneous and planned, to be ambitious and to relax.



One idea that has really been driving me a lot is the idea of deconditioning.
In a rough sense, i think a deconditioned human being is one who has gained total freedom to will or not will, act or not act, despise or not despise, pour effort and to relax, to choose any of x,y,z reactions to a stimulus, to be uninhibited or to be restrained, to love or not to love, to socialize or not to socialize, .......

Most of the symptoms of deconditioning are achievable by sharpening the will by practice. By forcibly taking choices which one is "naturally" averse to , and by not taking choices one finds natural, the will can be sharpened. One example of this has been my challenging of my aversion to outdoor activity. Even though i don't prefer outdoor activity, i don't think its a very smart or productive choice in all situations. To selectively enjoy certain outdoor activity like sports / travel might add to the richness of experience in life. It certainly has a lot of health benefits.
Plus there is the satisfaction of bucking the trend itself, the deconditioning.

There is a great deal of mental comfort that i've enjoyed due to lack of emotion. I have , however come to face that unless all of my emotional energy is faced and directed properly, i can't get close to my optimal life. This would also constitute deconditioning in the sense of taking on newer and stronger emotions and guiding through them properly.

Then theres the strongest conditioning of identity. The self image of a lazy- consume much produce little - hypocrite hasn't helped me much. I am in the active process of destroying these thought processes and replacing them by newer and more effective attitudes. The pareto pricipled effort of putting in 20% effort for 80% result isn't something i want to give up, but i want the extra 20% of results too, and being lazy won't get me those results.

I find this process highly empowering. Of breaking trends and ideas, rebuilding them at will and the prospect of walking through life as a master of oneself. I hope to be able to continue this process in a steady and intense manner.