Disowning Oneself

While i watch other people grapple with their problems - careers, relationships, their own unruly heads and what not, i have my own.

I have disowned myself, so i don't face any of those problems as of now.
But disowning myself, that is one crazy problem to have.

Well, i don't think disowning oneself is bad. But incomplete disownership can be very dangerous.

I have rejected my identity with my desires, my dreams, my beliefs and my personality, albeit some of it has persisted.

A faint identity with logic and goodness stays, but for the most part i am as good as a walking corpse, a thinking, somewhat helpful zombie.

I can generalize every damn thing around me as empirical reality and send it packing like a dream, but really thats not true to me anymore. Emptiness is not very acceptable anymore. The thirst for life has arisen again.

The desires are drawing fuel from my environment. I wish to have it all and i know i can have it all.

I have a tremendous dissatisfaction now, from not having done justice to my talents, to the resources available to me, to the faith reposed in me, and from not having been found worthy of anyone [ read any lady's ] affection.

This seems crazy to me at an intellectual level, but this dissatisfaction is not peripheral anymore. I can't walk past it as not me anymore.

So what options do i have:

1.) Do i heap things around the ego, which is the natural course for everyone. Then i get enmeshed in the desires, judgements, joys [ yes..], people [he and she and they] and all that life. Most easy garb to wear will be the career garb - I am out to make a name for myself, then the whole life of struggle follows.

2.) Do i renounce all remanents of my personality, everything and maybe start working as a spiritualist, work with the R K Mission and work to just support my family. This is a possibilty.

3.) I could maybe try and balance the two. Which even though will look hypocritical as trying to have the best of both worlds, probably isn't.

How do i decide:

Things i must keep in mind

1) If i do live an active life in the world as a contributor and a consumer, i will have to gaurd against the dangerous effects of being conditioned by society. I will have to not only sharpen my judgement, but be strong enough not to be led off-principle by social involvement.

2) Even as i write, i can feel the strength of the desires being fuelled. I honestly think that it will take too great an effort to completely dam up these deisres, an effort that is beyond me.

3) A life in the world will entail a work first - contemplate later attitude for the most part. That will be a major shift for me.

will continue.......... [And this exercise is taking its toll. Its not fun. But i enjoy lookin at the neat stuff i produce]


What am I waiting for

I have my IM to complete and i won't linger on a second now.

Aim for tomorrow:

1. Complete the design document in all respects. All. All problems resolved.
Well within my skill level. The challenge is to devote the necessary time.
Database Design, Server Side Design in Complete Detail.

Will report what i am able to accomplish.

Some Thinking and Resolution

These are the questions of perennial trouble and utter confusion for me.

I've never had a clear idea about these.

A few thoughts going thru my mind

1.) At a personal level, pure dispassion is the best way i have ever lived . I lived in amazing clarity during those times when i was highly dispassionate.
2.) I do not see ego centered desires being satiated ever. They will lead to more and more desires.
3.) Despite my friend Vipul's continuous efforts to make me believe otherwise, i don't think passion is the correct manner to progress for me. It just isn't. Doesn't work. Doesn't click with my sensibilities either.
4.) I shall try and derive my motivation to do well from the things that i really posit faith in, and attaching oneself passionately to objects in the world is a certain no-no in that regard.
Proactively subjecting myself to the ideas of the great people i believe in will help me do this -
One of the most wonderful ones i saw was a quote from the buddha -
"Idleness is the way of the foolish. Diligence is the way of the wise". Will do a full analysis of this.
5.) I clearly recognize certain weaknesses in my personality which need to be attended to. I am very keen on developing qualities such as industry (in plain words, ablilty to slug it out), courage, self belief, diligence and long term vision.
6.) I'll try and interact with poeple as much as possible to fine tune my understanding of the world and to help them out with what i know.
7.) I understand that the aim i set myself is very tough, but it is indeed possible. It is stupid for me to accept goals set by other people / goals that simply aren't me enough.
8.) I have got somewhat of an existentialist attitude right now[using the term very loosely]. I feel that really i have to assert what i am and what i want.
9.) I have woken up to the fact that i have 40-50 years of my life still left to spend on something / someway. I have to make a choice as to what i wish to do with them. Even as each second ticks by, i have to make choices.

Now, a key thing is an action plan that crystallizes out of the thoughts. I have to decide how i spend my energies, resources, time and towards what end.

The immediate end i see for myself is the proper development of 2 things :

1.) Sense restraint - Development of this will certainly give me a confidence boost, tremendous confidence boost undeniably. I want this.
2.) Industry and Commitment - I have never had these 2 qualities in me. They are essential to give me the necessary confidence to move higher.

More Concretely :

Commitment to What?

Very Easy to Determine

1.) At the professional level, knowledge and skill counts. Thats what i am committed to developing. And a long term vision too.
very specifically : I m committed to a expansion of knowledge this sem.
undertaking of meaningful projects to apply my knowledge.
doin my GRE prep very well.
With this i get in a position to even help other ppl out on the technical front.

2.) I wish to exorcise the ghosts of procrastination ASAP with a commitment to putting in atleast 4 hrs of productive activity a day with clear aims.

I have a purpose now, and the purpose is correct, healthy living and attaining to the ideals which are possible and not quixotic.


Visit to the studio

Finally i write about something concrete. Its a new thing to do.

Yesterday was fun at the studio. I had a well marked agenda for the editing to be done to our song. On the way my mind was full of doubt (and not possibilties, why o why???).

Reached there at 8:30 pm. had a casual chat with vibhor and arvind about the electrical diffculties being faced in the studio.

Got down to the editing. Vibhor and Arvind(VnA) had sequenced the keyboard parts for me based on what i had played and all the difficulties with the timing of notes at the crescendo of the song were sorted out.

The song sounded good, real good. The major diffuculties were now correcting the volume leves, fade outs and fade ins of various tracks.

Took time and patience but was able to make major improvements to the song. Was satisfied. Now have to plan further work.

As a bonus, i got to play Vibhor's Yamaha Piano for half an hour before leaving at 1:30 in am.
[The Piano is the only material thing of intrinsic value to me]. Absolutely loved that too.


Death and Life are both perfect

Death is characterized by the end of desire, the end of life, the end of movement of thought and body, whereas life is about dreams, desires, actions and corrensponding thought. i shall talk about the mental aspects and not the physical ones.

It takes the highest wisdom to realize that both are equal consituents of reality, and one cannot exist without the other. Without death, there cannot be life, because it is only when some of our dreams truly die - by either fulfilment or non-fulfilment can newer ones take seed.

Till we cling to dreams that have not been fulfilled, we will never become alive to the possibilities of more, further, even better life. So to learn to really and completely die to things that are not fulfilled is required in order to live well and to give our best to things that are possible.

The insight comes from my tremendous failures in both my professional and my romantic life which had become albatrosses around my neck. I can't say i am truly free of them completely, but dying to these, completely accepting them is the way i can progress onto greater domains, greater possibilities.

Results of Expecting Nothing

The doctrines of spirituality apart, i think what negative thinking does to us as functioning individuals is this.

I had developed some of these attitudes, some of them inadvertently :

1. People are essentially selfish and incapable of giving / reciprocating love. Not really true , is it. People may not be perfect, but they are certainly capable of giving love. Some more, some less, but the ability is there. What else can keep the world going?

2. Personality is a 'bad' phenomenon. documented that in last post.

3. A scorn for pleasure. i don't think life would be possible without pleasure, would it.


Today i had something of an AHA moment today.

Figured out that i was manifesting all the things i fear most.

From the past i know that intense self consciousness ( ego - consciousness to be exact) is one of the most miserable and paralyzing states a human being can be in.

And i figured out that currently i am living primarily in my ego anyway, despite trying not to do so.

Egoism is my memories / prejudices / opinions / desires / frustrations / achievements etc etc.

At best i had managed to suppress the ego phenomenon, and as such this carries no moral value it seems.

With the suppression, i am managing to do nothin and making myself pretty miserable anyways.

Won't suppress, will be open and fully understand what is happening.



As i look back at the last few days, i seem to have discovered something new, that is the power of conscious willing.

It seems that willing is something really very much required in my life.

The will to be clear and consistent in action is really very important.

I wish to be able to lead of life of greater clarity and action, and i think willing will play a major role in that.

i find that willing takes tremendous reserves of mental energy. however, visualisation of the best possible result makes it possible for us to continue to pour in efforts.

a case in point is weight loss.


Outpour of thought 1 [Edited]

this is what i am nowadays, what i am means the various states i alternate in.

1. mostly dull / indifferent / insensitive

2.when i do think, i try to think positive and do my stuff well. managing and progressing on that front. state of conscious and very labouring willing.
topped last sem - result gave me no joy.

3. once in a while( a month maybe) , feel an intense pang for a romatic affair. most confused on that front. very messed up ideas.

4. sometimes return to my peaceful(not sleepy) state, where all the mental clutter dries up and i am really happy. fully aware of the psychological process. in such a condition, writing blogs such as this seems to be nothing but an aggrevation of the clutter of the mind. a whole different set of principles operates then.

what i think consciously, am aware of:

a) i am lacking a certain amount of confidence in my dealings towards the world. not willing to risk, know fear is there and being genrated quite a bit.
b) am slowly getting filled by poison due to (2. and a).
c) will achieve success(seeds hv been sown and they will bear fruit). i know i will. [just need to clarify success now]
d) my mental state has certainly deteriorated. vis a vis 2 yrs ago.
e) also know the creative capacity of our minds. what we think shapes our reality. not puttin this fact to good use yet.
f) my ability to stand by my own decision has been upped.
g) the whole participation in the world is a strengthening process.
h) I find that i am unable to gather momentum / get on a roll as other ppl can. that means that i don't get hooked to any activities, nor do i feel boredome. no motivation to repeat pleasurable experiences
i) One habit, which i can't state here is a little out of hand and draining vitality.

Other points of interest:

1.) The thing that motivates me most is total clarity. envisioning myself as having become very clear, correct and striding confidently in the world gives me motivation.

2.) I think i haven't hurt anyone in the last 2 yrs / have done nothin really incorrect. wud like to keep it that way.

3.) I think i am doing most things correctly.

4.) a life such as this is not very satisfying, mainly due to lack of clarity.

as of now, feeling very zero and just hoping that some clarity might arise.


Thought and Feeling wrt Love

I found to my surprise, that thoughts and feelings ( intellect and emtions) act in a funny way with respect to one of the issues that matters most to me, i.e. love.

Sometimes, the feeling is one generated of sorrow from memory(longing but not getting) , but the intellect tells me to go ahead anyways.

Sometimes, i feel the intense need for companionship, and the intellect intervenes otherwise, telling me to be cautious and wise in whatever i do(i.e. not really investing emotion at all).

But emotions and thoughts are always at crossroads, and it really produces a mess in the mind which is highly undesirable and self defeating beyond doubt.

How to produce clarity in such a case.

I 'll examine :

Looking at the positive possibilities alone, i intellectually see that it is possible for me to have a very healthy, deep relationship with someone if i am willing to be the best i can be.
And i really feel that such is the way to go. And i feel the need anway, so that prepares me.

Really, i feel that it is best to look at only one kind of possibility at one time and be clear within myself.

Lookin at both simultaneously really messes me up.

Reasons to work

Thinking yday, i got an idea along the lines that work is best when thought, feeling and action are in one line.

When u think that your end is perfectly plausible and you feel the same and then you act towards it, results should be best.

I am looking for reasons :

1. Working on softwares keeps me in the habit of making them, exposes me to the challenges and problems generally faced
2. makes for greater prepared ness and feel of the work.
3. The end product would make me feel good and great.
4. Would give me much greater confidence in my ability shall i complete my job.

I would keep looking for reasons to keep doing my job well.


SJF and Round Robin on Humans

The dispatcher of the human mind is absolutely unconducive to Round Robin scheduling of activity.

One of the key principles here is that it is best to avoid multiplexing multiple tasks at one time.

The habit of completing one thing completely before moving on to the next is very important indeed.

i find that when i get into the multiplexing mode, i mess up half the tasks and leave lots of them incomplete.

So it is best to determine your job and not leave it till you complete the job

No need to do time slicing between jobs.


The Winning Ethic

I find that somewhere inside me, without having noticed it, i like that others should fail.

Now this is a classic case of the defeatist ethic.

If one can replace it by a genuine appreciation of people's efforts towards excellence, it would hold me in a better stead to approach excellence myself.

That would be the winning ethic.

To aim for the highest success myself and to rejoice in success, regardless of whether it come to me or someone else, as long as the bar is taken higher, better results are achieved is the way to go.

This attitude wud help me go far.

Experiment with goal setting

I’ve set myself the goal to reduce my weight to somewhere around 70 kg and in line with that, I’ve decided to get into the habit of 1 hr of exercise each day, which is right now playing basketball.

Have succeeded for the 2 days. Hope to keep it going for the whole month.

Long term aim is to develop will power and learn the ways of mobilizing energy.

The power of visualizing success is undeniable. It certainly helps in achieving ones aim.
have tried it a few times and it helps to tap in the reserves that we have.

The power of clarity is also there. once u r clear that u want to to do something, it becomes a whole lot easier.