7.14.2006

Outpour of thought 1 [Edited]

this is what i am nowadays, what i am means the various states i alternate in.

1. mostly dull / indifferent / insensitive

2.when i do think, i try to think positive and do my stuff well. managing and progressing on that front. state of conscious and very labouring willing.
topped last sem - result gave me no joy.

3. once in a while( a month maybe) , feel an intense pang for a romatic affair. most confused on that front. very messed up ideas.

4. sometimes return to my peaceful(not sleepy) state, where all the mental clutter dries up and i am really happy. fully aware of the psychological process. in such a condition, writing blogs such as this seems to be nothing but an aggrevation of the clutter of the mind. a whole different set of principles operates then.


what i think consciously, am aware of:

a) i am lacking a certain amount of confidence in my dealings towards the world. not willing to risk, know fear is there and being genrated quite a bit.
b) am slowly getting filled by poison due to (2. and a).
c) will achieve success(seeds hv been sown and they will bear fruit). i know i will. [just need to clarify success now]
d) my mental state has certainly deteriorated. vis a vis 2 yrs ago.
e) also know the creative capacity of our minds. what we think shapes our reality. not puttin this fact to good use yet.
f) my ability to stand by my own decision has been upped.
g) the whole participation in the world is a strengthening process.
h) I find that i am unable to gather momentum / get on a roll as other ppl can. that means that i don't get hooked to any activities, nor do i feel boredome. no motivation to repeat pleasurable experiences
i) One habit, which i can't state here is a little out of hand and draining vitality.

Other points of interest:

1.) The thing that motivates me most is total clarity. envisioning myself as having become very clear, correct and striding confidently in the world gives me motivation.

2.) I think i haven't hurt anyone in the last 2 yrs / have done nothin really incorrect. wud like to keep it that way.

3.) I think i am doing most things correctly.

4.) a life such as this is not very satisfying, mainly due to lack of clarity.

as of now, feeling very zero and just hoping that some clarity might arise.

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